How should we remember 9/11?

September 11th holds a special place in my heart. It was a catastrophic day that changed the course of my existence. I give thanks to God for that day (not for the terror, but for the good that God wrought from the terror). I look back and think often of the story of Joseph being sold into slavery by his brothers. God exalted Joseph, making him second only to Pharaoh in the kingdom of Egypt and eventually Joseph ends up saving his own brothers from famine. Upon finding out that it is Joseph whom they sold (the punishment for which is death) they seek his forgiveness to which he replies in Genesis 50:

"Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today."

My soul leaps at this statement because it fits me precisely. About a year after joining the Marines on October 4th, 2001 (because of 9/11) I gave my life to Jesus and asked His forgiveness for my sins and the way I had lived my selfish life. I saw that though wicked men had meant the terror attacks of that fateful day for evil, God had used it for my gain and saved my life.

The anger, fear and loathing I felt in those days has been replaced by a foundation of love, trust and hope in Christ so that I may now repeat after the Psalmist in chapter 91:

³ Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

I say all this to suggest that you remember 9/11 not for the violence of the day, but for the heroism of the human heart that was exposed in so many people. Search your heart for those qualities you saw that made you proud and emulate them: The sacrifice people made when they laid down their lives for their friends and strangers, the firefighters and police who climbed the stairs into the inferno, the military personnel who served, the ones who lined up for blocks to donate blood, money, teddy bears and anything else that would bring healing and comfort. Remember the flags that flew from car windows, off of bridges and out of windows. Remember the smiles, nods, handshakes and conversations we had with strangers in those following weeks when we all saw with clarity the importance and need of a loving community.

For you Christians, remember the call from 1 Peter 2 and be that community others would seek to join in the face of distress and calamity:

"...you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light... Keep your conduct among [unbelievers] honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God... For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people. Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God. Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God."

Keep the faith, do not be afraid and never lose hope. We do God's work and He has already won!

The God of reason.

While discussing the Divine Providence of our country's founding it was suggested that we are no more divinely inspired than any other country. While I agree that all nations are lifted up and thrown down by God, the difference in ours was obvious (just read the Declaration of Independence). Some differences I gave were:

1) The equal application of justice to all, 2) The right of one to enjoy the fruit of his labor, 3) The understanding that men are inherently wicked and should have checks upon their power, 4) The investiture of government's power in the people (and their right to overthrow it and institute a new one should it not protect their God-given rights).

A friend then gave a quote by Thomas Jefferson suggesting that this foundation was due more to humanity's ability to reason than to God who blesses. The quote reads:

‎"Question with boldness even the existence of God; because, if there be one, he must approve more of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear."

It's a great quote and I agree with it to the extent that if mankind truly is made in God's image then we have the ability to reason, in part, as God reasons. Thus, the scripture is granted meaning when God proclaims to all men in Isaiah 1, "Come, let us reason together."

Still, the distinction between God as God and reason as god needed to be clarified. My thought process concluded that:

"Reason is a passionless god to serve. In any case, if not for man's depravity it would be reasonable to state that he would not be in need of redemption. Reason suggests that man, on the whole, is quite depraved, however. The truth is that reason is a quality of God and, like many of His qualities, we choose to serve it as opposed to the One who possesses it. Thus was Jefferson correct that we should serve a God of reason over fear but, more importantly, we trust that the unreasonable kindness of God in the face of our depravity is what leads us to salvation."

Regardless of what you think of our government now though, the promise that is to come is much better if you are His child! Isaiah 9:6-7 declares:

"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the greatness of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom, establishing it and upholding it in justice and righteousness from that time on and forevermore. The zeal of the Lord Almighty will accomplish this."

Refined thoughts on abortion.

Bringing life into the world is meant to be a thing of dignity. In light of this, the crux of my anti-abortion argument becomes a moral one. Advocates of abortion often use it as a means to perpetuate immoral lifestyles (whether they admit it or not). After all, why would a woman have responsible sex when all she has to do is terminate her pregnancy any time she gets pregnant? Why would a man consider sex an honorable thing if he never has to wrestle with the natural consequence of bearing children?

If you want bad behavior just subsidize it. We can deduce that an abortion subsidy (or payment) is immoral simply because of the result it brings about (more abortions and less responsibility). How can abortion ever be naturally good if the result of it is more immoral behavior and an unwillingness to accept the consequences of one's own actions?

If we were truly concerned about being dignified human beings we would accept the results of both the actions we choose and those we do not. For instance, if a woman is raped she can make the decision not to punish the baby resulting from her rape by aborting it. It is not the baby's fault, after all. It is a tough decision, to be sure, but it gives great value not only to the life of the unborn but to the giver of that life (the mother).

I say this to reveal in depth the motivation for the beliefs I hold. I belong to a way of life that is advocated by an innocent man who was willingly murdered in order to free me from the guilt of my own dishonor. He chose to give me dignity through His sacrifice though I did not deserve it. In this, His love towards me was even more amazing than the mother's love for a baby she chose to carry to term in spite of being raped. In my example, the baby did nothing wrong yet was saved. According to the innocent man, I was His murderer and yet He bestowed upon me (a guilty man) the same gift of life the mother bestowed upon her unborn child (an innocent). Thus, my argument is centered not necessarily in outlawing abortion, but specifically in revealing to the heart of man a dignifying love that is offered to all. That love is given through Jesus, the Son of God. His goodness is the true motivation for righteous living and in such living there is no need for abortion.

The right of abortion.

The fact that everyone disagrees as to when life begins should encourage all parties to err on the side of mercy. If there is even a possibility that a child can be alive in its mother's womb then it should not be destroyed...regardless of what the law says is legal. What is "legal" does not correlate to what is good. For instance, slavery in America used to be legal but who now would argue its goodness? To err on the side of mercy is to give everyone the opportunity to enjoy life, liberty and happiness, whether they be black, embryonic, or both. Interestingly enough, the founder of Planned Parenthood, Margaret Sanger, advocated the abortion of "undesirables" such as black babies. They "perverted" the gene pool. She was a eugenicist, just as the Nazis were and I believe her ideas helped the Nazis develop their "Final Solution".

One of the greatest triumphs of Jesus' people has been their founding of clinics supported by the church to give women free ultrasounds and in utero assistance. I've worked at one in Escondido called the "Alternative Pregnancy Care Clinic" to pack baby kits full of clothing, food, diapers and toys for any and all women who would seek its services. In turn, it works to plug these women into local congregations where they can find the loving support of other people in their community who will help them through the process of raising their children even as single mothers. These clinics offer adoptive services and anything else one can imagine a young mother/family might need.

I believe that the simple explanations behind those who get abortions are these: They are lied to about their babies by those who love killing them. The women are selfish and full of justifying "idealistic" excuses such as, "I would never want to bring a child into such a fucked up world". They are lazy and simply don't care because they can't afford to be tied down (it would get in the way of their sexual fantasies and partying lifestyles). They are desperate and believe they have no recourse of action to help them because everyone they've ever known has left them.

The solution is found always in Jesus. He is the way of life, the truth of life and the giver of life. He will never lie or disappoint you but will always provide and lift you up. He provides a way out for those who are ashamed of their selfish lives and sick of their own hearts. He brings perfect love into a "fucked up" existence. He is diligent to work on behalf of the lazy and reveals peace and liberty to those afraid of slavery. He creates us to have loving, committed sex as couples who do not run away at the first sign of needed responsibility. He is the Good Helper who knows every last hair on your head and provides for your every need. The true solution is simple though not easy: Surrender to Him and seek His forgiveness. Seek His children and their provision. Then give the love that Jesus has handed out to those who are in dire need.

Why do you waste your time on me?

There's a particular student at my high school who has been on my heart for years. I knew her when she went to the middle school and often saw her in the office in trouble for one thing or another. She had a dead look on her face. I may have introduced her in an earlier blog but I can't remember which it was. In any case, my heart went out to her and I began praying for her when she came into the office or across my mind.

It is three years later and by the grace of God my prayers have been effectual to build up a friendship between the two of us. I have had the privilege of many deep and gratifying conversations with her in which I have played the roll of teacher, encourager, mentor and brother. All the while God has poured out His Spirit upon us in such a way that even though she does not know God, she sees the peace that resides in His character. She leaves our talks uplifted and thankful with a shining countenance. What in our conversations can act as such a healing balm? I asked myself this question during one of our last conversations and was struck with the simplicity of the truth. It is God' s kindness towards sinners that lifts us up! I made sure to emphasize this truth to her (and it's conditions which I describe in the last paragraph).

One time she looked at me with confused and troubled eyes and asked me the question from my title. "Why do you waste your time on me, Evan?" I think my facial expression mirrored her own because in no way did I feel as if I was wasting my time. I simply told her that I was extending to her the same love that God had extended to me when He forgave me of my sins. Still, to those who don't know God this love makes no sense. Love for one's enemies is never given apart from the love of Jesus. Not even in the best of families or amongst the closest of friends. People would beg to differ with my statement of course, but I offer up as my definition of God's love as, "a love that seeks to bless your enemy even while he is actively seeking to destroy you."

The source of her confusion came from a comment she made to me once. She said, "all people deserve love and respect." My heart seized up at that moment from her worldly statement. Though seemingly a beautiful thought, it was flawed in a critical way. I broke in quickly and said, "Wait, wait, wait, that's a lie. If you think everyone deserves your love and respect then you're telling me that everyone has done something to earn it from you. It is just a repayment of debt." Yet, when love increases, all good things seem to expand infinitely. This is why it can be said in the Bible of God's love that "where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."

This leaves two choices: 1) Accept the love of God and know life perfected and everlasting or 2) Deny the love of God and know His fury and anger for eternity when He sends you from His presence. Scripture talks of this when it encourages us not to fear man who can destroy the body, but to fear God who can destroy both the body and the soul in hell. We are also told "What good is it for a man to gain the whole world yet lose his soul?" God's love is not unconditional in that it is not extended to anyone who turns it down.

Current thoughts on a relationship

I'm on a dating site called "okCupid." It's pretty interesting but one aspect of it makes me chuckle. It's the ignorance of Christians, atheists, agnostics, whatever, when they state their belief and then write "but not too serious about it." How can you not be that serious about atheism? How can you be "slightly serious" about your Christianity? There are only two conclusions I can draw: 1) You don't really care where you stand (or fall) or 2) you're so immersed in living according to the world that you can't help but put "not too serious" in following your convictions.

That being said, I am totally serious about God's faithfulness towards me because I see my own hypocrisy in the above paragraph! I love the Lord without a doubt but I also love my sin just as much at times and am called ONLY to trust in a Savior who gives to me not only my measure of faith, but my strength to run from the carnal desires of my heart. My sin is powerful inside of me so all I can say to others is that God's grace is greater and it is conforming me into the image of God's own Son. My only hope even being saved are the continued and renewed mercies of the Lord every morning.

I wrote that to a girl I met and followed by saying:

If you're interested in me and the above leaves you disheartened then it should because I can promise that I will be a constant let down in and of myself. I don't want a woman who puts her faith in my ability to be a godly man. I want a woman who puts her faith in God to make me the godly man He desires. Likewise, I desire only to know God's grace powerfully so that I may be merciful and forgiving to not only myself but to my future wife as well. It's not a love that makes sense to the world because it's an active love towards those who have hatred against me in their hearts. As Jesus did for us, we are called to fight on behalf of those who are trying to tear us down. That can totally include the "significant other" in our lives. There can be no truly successful relationship without Jesus because unconditional love cannot be offered without knowing Jesus intimately.

Joy in dark places.

It was the burden of death delayed. It was a new beginning waiting just beyond reach of that eternal door. With its approach was a weary sorrow.

Looking back, this is what I sensed when I visited a convalescent home years and years ago. I was a confusing mash of emotions trying to avoid suffocation under an intense weight of hopelessness. It was one of the most dreadful places I have ever been to. Walking down the hallway, I peered into a multitude of rooms open to all observers. In them, elderly people had their diapers changed, drugs administered, meals delivered. Every event was a spectacle and it sucked up joy like a sponge.

Well do I remember the lack of life before my eyes as I entered the "living" room. It felt like residents had gone there to die. Almost every seat was filled with the breathing dead. The TV was on with its volume turned low so that every hushed word crashed around the silent room in deafening waves. Heads rolled to the side, eyes were glazed over and spittle flecked the shirts of those whose mouths lay open.

My mind's eye recalls it as a sea of gray. Yet, there was a bright spot that drew my eye immediately. It was a brilliant purple splotch on the gun metal canvas. As it turned out, the name of the splotch was Lois. She was bedecked with a beautiful, old style purple skirt and vest. Her shoes matched and were in prime condition. Even her hair was done up and on it sat a purple hat, suspended at a rakish angle on her silvery curls. She had not succumbed within those haggard walls!

It took some time for me to make it to where she sat though she was not my destination. First, the woman closest to the entryway slowly looked up at me and a flicker of life flashed across her face. To this day I forget her name, so I will have to make do with remembering the brightness that sprang into her eyes. I sat with her for a few minutes, made jokes and complimented her on her charming good looks. We laughed and the room began to stir. More heads came up and a particularly mindless individual began to babble at me and laugh quickly. His mind stayed lost, though his eyes were anchored to my face. I was being called to leave but felt that I had a great opportunity to inject hope into these lives.

I pardoned myself from the first lady and approached Lois who had beckoned to me. I sat with her for a couple of joyful minutes while stating that her purple dress really brought out her beautiful eyes. Her laughter shimmered. Sadly, it was time for me to excuse myself for good. Lois made me promise to return and as I left I wished God's blessings upon everyone in the room. All had awoken by this time and the TV no longer smothered their dreams.

Sadly, I made an abrupt departure and am not particularly happy to remember it. Much to my shame, though I could see the need for Jesus and His love in that place, I never returned. I never saw Lois again. I broke my word to her. The situation was simply too overwhelming for me having never experienced such a thing before. Also, my personal visions of grandeur were at odds with the extreme limitations before me. Still, no excuse is worthy to be made.

Having thought about this much over the years, I have come to some difficult, yet good conclusions. The goal, as Shane Claiborne states in his book Irresistable Revolution, "was not to keep people alive, but to allow people to die with dignity, with someone loving them, singing, laughing, so they were not alone." But what dignity could I have given just by myself? For that, Mother Theresa said, "We can do no great things, just small things with great love. It is not how much you do, but how much love you put into doing it."

Even Jesus said that what we have done for the least of people we have done for Him. Learn from my (forgiven) failings. Love God in the small moments of everyday. Love His children and meet them at the point of their need. Bring them dignity with your love. We are an army of Davids and our small, tender works combined will change the world for Jesus. We are the light of Christ, called to bring His brilliance to a darkened world!

My testimony.

The extreme hypocrisy of the church and those within it has bothered me very much for decades and, in fact, I have left churches because of it. Still, Jesus changed my heart by revealing to me that I am a hypocrite in need of salvation and by opening my eyes to the wickedness of those in the Bible whom He saved.

Peter betrayed Jesus. Thomas doubted. King David committed adultery and murdered the husband of the woman he screwed. Paul blessed the martyrdom of Stephen. Samuel messed around with foreign women. Jacob questioned God. And yet all are considered heroes of the faith. Why? Because Jesus had remained above reproach and lifted them up high above their sin in order to change their hearts. Jesus is not in the same class as all those I mentioned and thus I had to separate Him from the "sinners and hypocrites." To me, undefiled religion simply became a trust in the completed work of Jesus and a commitment to repentance and grace in my own life. He is not hypocritical and sinful and that is what matters.

I grew up in the Episcopalian church attending only a couple times a year on Christmas Eve and Easter (a "Chreaster"). That changed when the family moved and we started going every Sunday when I was 13. Attendance became my moral obligation (though I truly only went because there were a couple hot chicks there). I learned little about Jesus.

It wasn't until I was 20 and in the Marine Corps when a friend invited me to go to a church he had heard about. Being as religiously moral as I was, I went... and really heard the Good News for the first time. The second Sunday I was invited to the home of one of the families. At the end of that day I was invited to visit whenever I wanted to get off base. I took them up on it largely because they had a beautiful daughter around my age but also because I couldn't turn down such generous hospitality. Soon, I was visiting 3-4 times a week and almost every weekend and sleeping on the couch.

I became a member of the family for all intents and purposes and was blessed with all the fights that went with that! They are hot-blooded Italians and I am hot-blooded Irish. We were all dysfunctional. Yet, unlike my own family where we buried many of our problems, they aired their dirty laundry and dealt with it. When they sinned, they repented, sought forgiveness and gave the glory to God. A few months later, I realized that I was a changed man and openly proclaimed the name of Jesus. I did so because I saw that hypocrites could actually worship God in Spirit and Truth. It was amazing. That was eight years ago.

At this time, out of the Marines, I am renting a room in the house and still live with the family. The two oldest have moved out and the third will be leaving in a few months. The youngest has a few years yet. They are all my brothers and sisters and I could no sooner turn away from a God who has blessed me with such a testimony as I could tell my lungs to stop breathing. My faith has animated me and given me life through the grace of Jesus. He loved me in spite of the self-righteous man I was.

The difficulty and necessity of impartiality.

I will admit that I have favorite students at my job. That being said, I try my best to be impartial towards them and treat them the same under school regulations as those who tend to be in a perpetual state of trouble. It is only good to do so. For instance, I had to take the cell phone away from one of my favorite students today because she just up and decided to answer it right in front of me. I was left with little choice, really, if I wanted everyone else on campus to know that I treat everyone equally.

Her boyfriend was pretty angry, as I found out near the end of my shift. He asked what was wrong with me for taking it from her when all she was doing was "answering to say she couldn't talk." Besides the lack of logic in that statement, I decided to approach his anger from a different angle. I told about the necessity of my impartiality. "What would the other students think, watching while I let her keep her cell phone but had taken theirs?" Partiality would have been a gross act of negligence and very well could have broken the trust many students had in me. That's not to say that it is easy to be impartial; just good. Thankfully, he saw the wisdom in my ways and let go of his grudge.

I learned these lessons the hard way by letting my favorite students (or the ones who could beg the best) off the hook. It was not good, not because other students saw, but because I was being lousy with my authority and responsibility. My conviction in this area revolved around the amazing truth that God, Himself, shows no favoritism. Peter, in speaking of Jesus, says, "I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism but accepts from every nation the one who fears him and does what is right." We disdain people who show favoritism. How much more would we disdain God if He made our lives and salvation contingent upon how well we wheedled Him into treating us better than our peers? Therefore, be honorable and love all people equally.

Chasing justice

Today, I had to chase down a spray painting juvenile who decided to run through the parking long of my school. As I was running after the guy, I couldn't stop thinking of how surreal the situation was. I'm on my phone with the police dispatcher zeroing the cops in on the guy I'm tailing and he won't stop even though he knows he's going to be caught. Thankfully, I could tell by the way he acted that he wasn't yet hardened in his ways.


Regardless, my duty as a Christian at that moment was to bring a boy to justice and I realized, even as I wanted to share the Gospel of mercy with him in some fashion, that God glorifies Himself in two main ways: Through his justice and through his mercy. My job at that time was to bring about the justice of God through the position of authority he had give to me as a high school security guard. It pleases God when justice is upheld.

People tend to ignore the justice of God as a means of His glory, it seems. They want to see "God as love" as opposed to the God who, in delivering His love, also took out His wrath on His Son who stood in our place. That is how Christ glorified Himself and redeemed us. Yet, without justice, there can be no deliverance. The wicked go free and are glorified while the righteous wither away and die.

The covenant God and infant baptism.

I am a Christian of the "Reformed" tradition but in a more specific sense than most people might consider. Scriptures concerning those who are saved are unified through the will of a covenant God. He has especially extended his grace and mercy to and through families. Peter even says, "Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off--for all whom the Lord our God will call." We are also told to raise up our children in the "fear and admonition of the Lord." In talking about God's commands in Deuteronomy, Moses commands families to, "Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up."

Thus, all things considered, I specifically believe in infant baptism as a visible sign that our children are being brought into the covenant (though not necessarily saved) because of God's covenant to us. Paul writes to the Corinthians, "For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy." Pretty awesome!

Risen from the dead.

A friend asked for proof that Jesus rose from the grave, so I addressed the question behind the question that many people are really seeking the answer to (Why does that matter?):


"Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. By faith it is understood that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible. That being said, people did see Jesus rise up from the dead. More importantly, that incredible sign was not, in and of itself, enough to save those who experienced the miracle without faith. "Proof" does not fix a broken heart."

For what price will you sell out?

Everyone has a price. Every last one. We have sold out our honor and integrity in the moment to something seemingly more important. "Our word is our bond" we say, but even the strongest of us break it easily for something. That something for me has predominantly been my lust (amongst many other things). I have historically broken appointments, ignored the needs of my friends and forsaken God in order to sate it. Inevitably, I find that when I do so, my life is like a trash bag with a hole in the bottom. It's not even worthy of the stinking filth it's supposed to hold. I am worthy only to be thrown away. More so, I'm deserving of judgment and in need of forgiveness by the ones I have neglected.


In no way can I call myself better than any man and, often caught red-handed, my defensive walls go up, accusations against the other begins, and I try to defend my "phantom honor." Much like a painting that has been taken off a wall after years in one place, there is the shade of something that should be there but I cannot grasp what was lost. Foolishly, I try to point out that it did, in fact, at one time, actually exist. Pathetic! I humble myself here so that no one can call me self-righteous when I tell this story:

While working at my job, a student approached me asking for two dollars: One for himself and the other for his friend. I pulled out two, crisp Washingtons for him on the condition that he repay me. He agreed. We had an unwritten contract sealed by his word. A week passed and I asked him for my money back. He balked and suggested that it was only two dollars and was not a big deal. In a sense this was true. I didn't need the money and he knew it. Still, in response, I said:

"Money is not the issue here. The issue is your word and right now you're telling me that you're willing to sell out your word for something as minor as two dollars. If you are bought off so lowly, how can I or anyone else ever trust you for anything?"

The next time we talked, I brought this up and said that I would never speak of it again. I also let him know again that there could be no trust on my part for him. He payed me back a few months later. In any case, we are all deal breakers who thirst for honor that does not exist in ourselves or anyone else we know. Our desire for such an impossible standard is evidence to me that it does exist. Thus, what astonished me today was the realization that Jesus had no price EVEN THOUGH the exchange placed before Him was His life in return for a torn trash bag: Of infinitely less value than two dollars yet somehow greatly prized.

I write this to give us all hope. There is goodness and great love from God just for us. Though we cannot find it in ourselves or others we can find it in Jesus and it is so good. Rest in Jesus and stop trying to work hard to be good. Learn His grace more than your failings. If you can't forgive yourself for the past, ask Him to lift that burden from your shoulders. He already finished those works when He died and rose again for us.