Why do you waste your time on me?

There's a particular student at my high school who has been on my heart for years. I knew her when she went to the middle school and often saw her in the office in trouble for one thing or another. She had a dead look on her face. I may have introduced her in an earlier blog but I can't remember which it was. In any case, my heart went out to her and I began praying for her when she came into the office or across my mind.

It is three years later and by the grace of God my prayers have been effectual to build up a friendship between the two of us. I have had the privilege of many deep and gratifying conversations with her in which I have played the roll of teacher, encourager, mentor and brother. All the while God has poured out His Spirit upon us in such a way that even though she does not know God, she sees the peace that resides in His character. She leaves our talks uplifted and thankful with a shining countenance. What in our conversations can act as such a healing balm? I asked myself this question during one of our last conversations and was struck with the simplicity of the truth. It is God' s kindness towards sinners that lifts us up! I made sure to emphasize this truth to her (and it's conditions which I describe in the last paragraph).

One time she looked at me with confused and troubled eyes and asked me the question from my title. "Why do you waste your time on me, Evan?" I think my facial expression mirrored her own because in no way did I feel as if I was wasting my time. I simply told her that I was extending to her the same love that God had extended to me when He forgave me of my sins. Still, to those who don't know God this love makes no sense. Love for one's enemies is never given apart from the love of Jesus. Not even in the best of families or amongst the closest of friends. People would beg to differ with my statement of course, but I offer up as my definition of God's love as, "a love that seeks to bless your enemy even while he is actively seeking to destroy you."

The source of her confusion came from a comment she made to me once. She said, "all people deserve love and respect." My heart seized up at that moment from her worldly statement. Though seemingly a beautiful thought, it was flawed in a critical way. I broke in quickly and said, "Wait, wait, wait, that's a lie. If you think everyone deserves your love and respect then you're telling me that everyone has done something to earn it from you. It is just a repayment of debt." Yet, when love increases, all good things seem to expand infinitely. This is why it can be said in the Bible of God's love that "where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."

This leaves two choices: 1) Accept the love of God and know life perfected and everlasting or 2) Deny the love of God and know His fury and anger for eternity when He sends you from His presence. Scripture talks of this when it encourages us not to fear man who can destroy the body, but to fear God who can destroy both the body and the soul in hell. We are also told "What good is it for a man to gain the whole world yet lose his soul?" God's love is not unconditional in that it is not extended to anyone who turns it down.

The absolute confusion behind our failures.

"Breaking The Habit" by Linkin Park

This song is probably the world's best answer to what troubles it; namely confusion. Consider the chorus:

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

The world cannot give a satisfactory answer to the evils surrounding us. In fact, the mere mention of evil determines that the person mentioning it believes in good. But where does goodness and evilness come from since we can comprehend it when we see it? It cannot be ambiguous or morally relative as we are prone to be. Apart from one above us who defines it and holds us accountable to it we cannot give a satisfactory answer. Let's look at it from a personal perspective.

It's easy to view the world and realize how messed up it is without considering our own hearts. We should be asking ourselves whether or not we are living a life that is reflective of Truth. Most of us look at the world and see how evil it is but don't look at our own hearts and see the wickedness that is trapped within. However, we cannot shrug away the piercing eye of that truth or else there would be no place for our feelings of guilt and shame. Such feelings demand that there be a consequence for the actions that led to such emotions. We would not feel guilty of our actions if we did not realize that we deserved judgment for what we have done.

How is your truth reflected in your life? Does what you believe match up with how you live? Who will suffer the consequences of your guilt? Justice demands that it be paid for. Either you will pay the cost of disobedience towards the One who gives Truth or One who lived perfectly according to the Truth will pay the cost for you. To clarify, a segment of Isaiah 53 speaking of that Savior is given below:

¹¹ After the suffering of his soul,
he will see the light of life and be satisfied;
by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many,
and he will bear their iniquities.

¹² Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,
and he will divide the spoils with the strong,
because he poured out his life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession for the transgressors.

As to the world's answer, you have it in its entirety below. The actual video is below the lyrics.

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

[Bridge:]
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

[Bridge:]
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

[Chorus:]...

[Bridge:]
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

[Chorus:]...