Why do you waste your time on me?

There's a particular student at my high school who has been on my heart for years. I knew her when she went to the middle school and often saw her in the office in trouble for one thing or another. She had a dead look on her face. I may have introduced her in an earlier blog but I can't remember which it was. In any case, my heart went out to her and I began praying for her when she came into the office or across my mind.

It is three years later and by the grace of God my prayers have been effectual to build up a friendship between the two of us. I have had the privilege of many deep and gratifying conversations with her in which I have played the roll of teacher, encourager, mentor and brother. All the while God has poured out His Spirit upon us in such a way that even though she does not know God, she sees the peace that resides in His character. She leaves our talks uplifted and thankful with a shining countenance. What in our conversations can act as such a healing balm? I asked myself this question during one of our last conversations and was struck with the simplicity of the truth. It is God' s kindness towards sinners that lifts us up! I made sure to emphasize this truth to her (and it's conditions which I describe in the last paragraph).

One time she looked at me with confused and troubled eyes and asked me the question from my title. "Why do you waste your time on me, Evan?" I think my facial expression mirrored her own because in no way did I feel as if I was wasting my time. I simply told her that I was extending to her the same love that God had extended to me when He forgave me of my sins. Still, to those who don't know God this love makes no sense. Love for one's enemies is never given apart from the love of Jesus. Not even in the best of families or amongst the closest of friends. People would beg to differ with my statement of course, but I offer up as my definition of God's love as, "a love that seeks to bless your enemy even while he is actively seeking to destroy you."

The source of her confusion came from a comment she made to me once. She said, "all people deserve love and respect." My heart seized up at that moment from her worldly statement. Though seemingly a beautiful thought, it was flawed in a critical way. I broke in quickly and said, "Wait, wait, wait, that's a lie. If you think everyone deserves your love and respect then you're telling me that everyone has done something to earn it from you. It is just a repayment of debt." Yet, when love increases, all good things seem to expand infinitely. This is why it can be said in the Bible of God's love that "where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."

This leaves two choices: 1) Accept the love of God and know life perfected and everlasting or 2) Deny the love of God and know His fury and anger for eternity when He sends you from His presence. Scripture talks of this when it encourages us not to fear man who can destroy the body, but to fear God who can destroy both the body and the soul in hell. We are also told "What good is it for a man to gain the whole world yet lose his soul?" God's love is not unconditional in that it is not extended to anyone who turns it down.

Running doesn't bring safety.

Not even a month ago I was having extreme pain and itching on my forearms and neck. It would shatter my sleep with the sensation of white hot icepicks being driven into my flesh and nothing would cause it to relent. The itching and the pain correlated and scratching made both worse, and yet, I could. not. avoid. itching. After a short while of this, I would begin cursing and my attitude would turn bitter and resentful. A little research finally led me to the only thing that helped and that was an ice pack to deaden my nerves and help me fitfully return to sleep.

In these times, the thought passed through my mind to sell my soul to get rid of the agony (not that I have that option since God, you know, sort of owns my soul). Still, it was humiliating for me and a great cause of sorrow on my part that something so basic as an itch could bring me to my wits ends and fray my nerves so completely. The faith I spent so much time cultivating was broken quickly and the only thing holding me together was God's faithfulness.

I was reminded of Job from the Bible when he was afflicted with sores from the top of his head to the soles of his feet. His only recourse from the agony was to use a broken piece of pottery to scrape away fluids from the leaking pustules covering him. Yet, His hope in deliverance from God remained firm. He knew God to be His ultimate and only source of healing.

While I was meditating on the shallowness of my faith and lack of endurance, the thought of soldiers in trenches during World War I entered my mind. They lived with the rats and roaches, often with trench foot so bad the skin on their feet would slough off in great chunks. They were gassed and lived in full facial masks that made it almost impossible to exert oneself and breath at the same time. Enemy shelling would drive them deep underground for days at a time to the point that many soldiers would become "shell shocked" and lose control over their bodies and psyches.

What was the average soldier's response to this intense suffering? Did he leave the utter lack of comfort in the trenches for safety above ground? Did he remove his mask when he could barely breath to inhale the air outside? God no! Those soldiers knew that, though they suffered mightily in the inhumanity of the trenches, the danger out of the trenches and in the foul air was far greater. Certain death lurked in those dark shadows. Though they lived worse than brute beasts they accepted, even fatalistically, the life of suffering they were called to be in. There was no choice in the matter if they wanted to live. Their safety did not resolve around seeking comfort but in enduring a life of suffering for the promise of peace that was to come.

This was true for Job just as it is true for me and you. No one can avoid the pain in this life by running away from God who heals our pain. We are trapped in dying bodies that will suffer and die through all the pangs of that death. We are surrounded by a world that in its very nature seeks to destroy us and bring about a victory for wickedness. We are attacked on every side by demonic minions and our own convicting thoughts. In all this do we then turn to the world for solutions that it inherently cannot provide? Can the world kill us and also bring us to life? Is it wise to avoid God who is the wellspring of life? Not if you're being honest with yourself.

Our safety revolves around the only One who was able to enter into the enemy's trenches and silence their guns. He endured our agony to save us. That One is Jesus and only through trusting in Him alone are we able to come back into the light of day where the air is clean and the sun is bright. In Him alone are we able to remove the stifling masks that hid our faces for so long. It was for freedom that He set us free and only in Jesus can we live a life befitting the only creature to be made in God's image. Do not give up on God's healing for such light and transient causes of this world that is passing away. In just a little while we will finish the race of faith and enter into the heavenly courts where Jesus will look upon us face-to-face and His father will say, "Well done good and faithful servant."

Every morning, I stand guard in front of the high school and observe what is happening. For a hectic thirty minutes, parents, students and visitors all converge on one entry point into the school while navigating the dangers of one of the most busy streets in Escondido. I see the faces of hundreds of those who are young and old, of every race and almost every creed and get an intimate glimpse into their personal lives for the slightest of moments. I see suffering and sadness, happiness and joy, laughter, lethargy and disgust. Sometimes, I see occupants crying.

Often, I see parents and their children fighting intensely with one another only to pull up to the curb, open the door and go about their day as if everything is all right. The mask goes up and the defenses are fortified. The fake smile waxes brilliant or the stoic face buries the pain. Yet, the eyes are the gateway to the soul and at these times I consider my brief glimpse and wonder at the pain. To know the fullness of its depth would be too great for me to bear.

The pain I feel when I see the outward appearance of a person is nothing compared to the pain God knows when He looks at the heart. The pain I see is for but a moment, but the pain God sees is intimate and perfect in understanding and depth. He did not shy away from it or wring His hands in despair when He encountered it. From His throne in the heavens, He looked upon His lost sheep scattered to the four corners of the earth and it did not please Him that they would be lost and suffer forever. Thus, He gave us His Son to come to the earth and experience our agony and the shame of our sin in order that He might defeat it and bury our sadness in the overwhelming joy of eternal life that He alone can lead us into.

There is hope at the end of the tunnel. We see it as a dim light and know that we will soon emerge into the brightness of joy perfected at the other end. For but a little while longer, we must endure this present suffering in order to share the peace and joy that the Lord has promised to those who will call Him Father. The light is always the most pronounced in the greatest darkness and that light is the light of the Lord. In His light there is hope for He is the King of the Universe! He is the God of this city! He is the King of this people! He's the Lord of this nation! He's the peace to the restless! He's the hope to the hopeless! He's the Light in the darkness!

"This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God." ~1 John 5:3-5