Why do you waste your time on me?

There's a particular student at my high school who has been on my heart for years. I knew her when she went to the middle school and often saw her in the office in trouble for one thing or another. She had a dead look on her face. I may have introduced her in an earlier blog but I can't remember which it was. In any case, my heart went out to her and I began praying for her when she came into the office or across my mind.

It is three years later and by the grace of God my prayers have been effectual to build up a friendship between the two of us. I have had the privilege of many deep and gratifying conversations with her in which I have played the roll of teacher, encourager, mentor and brother. All the while God has poured out His Spirit upon us in such a way that even though she does not know God, she sees the peace that resides in His character. She leaves our talks uplifted and thankful with a shining countenance. What in our conversations can act as such a healing balm? I asked myself this question during one of our last conversations and was struck with the simplicity of the truth. It is God' s kindness towards sinners that lifts us up! I made sure to emphasize this truth to her (and it's conditions which I describe in the last paragraph).

One time she looked at me with confused and troubled eyes and asked me the question from my title. "Why do you waste your time on me, Evan?" I think my facial expression mirrored her own because in no way did I feel as if I was wasting my time. I simply told her that I was extending to her the same love that God had extended to me when He forgave me of my sins. Still, to those who don't know God this love makes no sense. Love for one's enemies is never given apart from the love of Jesus. Not even in the best of families or amongst the closest of friends. People would beg to differ with my statement of course, but I offer up as my definition of God's love as, "a love that seeks to bless your enemy even while he is actively seeking to destroy you."

The source of her confusion came from a comment she made to me once. She said, "all people deserve love and respect." My heart seized up at that moment from her worldly statement. Though seemingly a beautiful thought, it was flawed in a critical way. I broke in quickly and said, "Wait, wait, wait, that's a lie. If you think everyone deserves your love and respect then you're telling me that everyone has done something to earn it from you. It is just a repayment of debt." Yet, when love increases, all good things seem to expand infinitely. This is why it can be said in the Bible of God's love that "where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."

This leaves two choices: 1) Accept the love of God and know life perfected and everlasting or 2) Deny the love of God and know His fury and anger for eternity when He sends you from His presence. Scripture talks of this when it encourages us not to fear man who can destroy the body, but to fear God who can destroy both the body and the soul in hell. We are also told "What good is it for a man to gain the whole world yet lose his soul?" God's love is not unconditional in that it is not extended to anyone who turns it down.

Current thoughts on a relationship

I'm on a dating site called "okCupid." It's pretty interesting but one aspect of it makes me chuckle. It's the ignorance of Christians, atheists, agnostics, whatever, when they state their belief and then write "but not too serious about it." How can you not be that serious about atheism? How can you be "slightly serious" about your Christianity? There are only two conclusions I can draw: 1) You don't really care where you stand (or fall) or 2) you're so immersed in living according to the world that you can't help but put "not too serious" in following your convictions.

That being said, I am totally serious about God's faithfulness towards me because I see my own hypocrisy in the above paragraph! I love the Lord without a doubt but I also love my sin just as much at times and am called ONLY to trust in a Savior who gives to me not only my measure of faith, but my strength to run from the carnal desires of my heart. My sin is powerful inside of me so all I can say to others is that God's grace is greater and it is conforming me into the image of God's own Son. My only hope even being saved are the continued and renewed mercies of the Lord every morning.

I wrote that to a girl I met and followed by saying:

If you're interested in me and the above leaves you disheartened then it should because I can promise that I will be a constant let down in and of myself. I don't want a woman who puts her faith in my ability to be a godly man. I want a woman who puts her faith in God to make me the godly man He desires. Likewise, I desire only to know God's grace powerfully so that I may be merciful and forgiving to not only myself but to my future wife as well. It's not a love that makes sense to the world because it's an active love towards those who have hatred against me in their hearts. As Jesus did for us, we are called to fight on behalf of those who are trying to tear us down. That can totally include the "significant other" in our lives. There can be no truly successful relationship without Jesus because unconditional love cannot be offered without knowing Jesus intimately.